My most important advice to myself...and you

...if "you" are still reading this!

Don't ever ever ever EVER assume that you can do this on your own.  Trust me.  You can't.  You need a support group, you need a plan.  You need motivation and you need focus.  Getting up in the morning and saying, "I can control this without help" is a lie.  And you know it. 

I just had to re-remind myself of this little piece of advice on Friday at my disastrous weigh-in.   I've gained back all but 6 pounds of the 20 I was down.

To say that I'm disgusted is an understatement.  My problem, and I recognize it fully now - is that I started getting cocky and assuming that since I was doing so well on Weight Watchers that I could start managing it on my own without recording my points and my exercise.  Slowly, week by week, I watched the pounds come back.  I stopped blogging, I stopped holding myself accountable.  I kept thinking, "It's only a pound, I'll make it up this week."  A pound a week adds up.  No shit huh?

Weekly Weigh-In

Weigh-In: 321.4 lbs

Change from last week: -1.0 lbs

If you've been a follower of my blog for more than a minute, (and if you're still here) you'll know that over the summer my weight loss stalled for several long agonizing whine-filled weeks. I went on vacation in September and lost 5 lbs and then proceeded to lose another 6 lbs the next few weeks after that.

Now, it would appear that I've gained a few of those pounds back and stalled again. Granted, I haven't gotten much in terms of exercise this last week because of the back problems, but I've been eating right, and before my back had issues I was getting exercise.

To say I'm frustrated again is a severe understatement. I have been working incredibly hard to not let this kill my motivation and so far I'm holding up OK. I went out lastnight and bought some new much-needed workout clothes and this morning went for a walk with The Kid and The Dog in the freezing cold morning weather (Still no snow. COME ON! Just a little bit???). I feel better, my back is improving more and more everyday and I feel good about what I'm eating.

This next week is a short work-week and Hubs and Kid leave Friday morning for a short trip which will give me time to myself for some hiking time, and while I always miss them when they go on these short trips to visit his family, I do enjoy the time alone because the guilt factor for doing what I want goes down drastically.

Next week is a new week, right? Keep your chin up! (Or in my case...chins. Har har har)

Weekly Weigh-In 16.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 332.4 lbs
Current weigh-in: 330 lbs
Change: -2.4 lbs

*sigh* I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sick of the number 329, 330, 331 and 332. That's where I've been hanging out on the scale since my June 3rd WI. *double sigh* I know I "took some time off" from caring, but now that I care again I'm really frustrated.

The good news is that my foot is feeling better and I'm hoping to be able to get walking again. We bought a new DVD player for our bedroom too, so now I can do my exercise DVD with the door closed and without worry my family will see me (self-conscious much?).

Weekly Weigh-In 15.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 329.8 lbs
Current weigh-in: 332.4 lbs
Change: +2.6 lbs

I feel fortunate really. The last two months I've done nothing to lose weight...almost no exercise, I've not been monitoring my food intake and I've been depressed. So to only have gained 2.5ish lbs is somewhat remarkable. I'm happy that I'm back on track and that I didn't completely waste all the work I did in previous months.

I'm totally using excuses now

What the heck?

I was so "off" everything last week that I didn't even do a weigh-in. I'd tell you how, what, when and why, but really those are just excuses. When really I just haven't been doing it. I've slowly started pushing "losing weight" into the back of my mind, where it slowly dissolves into a non-priority and before long it just doesn't exist anymore in any form except the "I'm so fat...I need to lose weight." line that I use 1,000 times a day.

When I was dedicated to it, going through the process of following my plan, getting exercise everyday and actually working towards my goal, I felt great. I had confidence again. I didn't feel like a super model, but I could feel myself being healthy again. I felt good about myself.

Now that I've been slacking for two weeks, all that confidence and self esteem is gone. I am so unmotivated and unhappy that I feel worse than when I started this journey in February. I feel worse because I know I can do it. I have proof. I have proof that I can lose weight and the only reason I'm not losing weight is because I pretty much gave up.

I hit some road blocks, a minor patch of rough "real life" issues came up and what did I do? I threw in the towel on weight loss and let the rough patch consume my whole life. I sit around after work, completely immersed in some Netflix streaming movie instead of getting out and exercising. When I go for walks now, it's to the corner...just long enough for The Dog to do his "dog bidness" and come home again.

So anyway, here's to hoping that soon I find my mojo again. I need to find my motivation and my energy to want it again. This feeling of nothingness is nowhere to live long-term and I need to find that one thing that will snap me out of it.

Weekly Weigh-In 14.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 326.8 lbs
Current weigh-in: 329.8 lbs
Change: +3 lbs

Holy crap! Where did that come from? My biggest gain yet! Yikes! Granted, I did overdo the food intake a tiny bit this week. Between the birthday lunch, birthday dinner, and cake w/ice cream...plus maybe the incredibly delicious, yet not quite healthy, Chicken Enchiladas that I made this week...I can totally see where maybe a pound or 3 of that could've been avoided :-/

Although. Gosh. Those enchiladas were so good I can still almost taste them!

*ahem*

Next week is a new week. Right?

I've still not done the test for the Cushings Disease I talked about last week...I'm having a hard time being home for a whole 24 hours! If you miss a "sample" then you have to start all over again and you have to do it for a whole 24 hours. I'm either out at the lake, at work (which, if we're honest here, I'm not going to do that at work. Can you imagine having to explain the big orange container you're keeping in the staff lunch fridge that you carry to the bathroom everytime you go? Yeah, no thanks!)

As of today I also still haven't gotten any of the other test results back either. I'm assuming it's because of the long holiday weekend, but if I don't see test results in my inbox early next week, I'll be contacting the doctor.

Weekly Weigh-In 13.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 326.8 lbs
Current weigh-in: 326.8 lbs
Change: No change

I'm a slacker. I've not only been lacking in the blogging department, but in every other aspect as well. I'm so awfully busy at work and at home that I'm usually dragging my a$$ by the time I get home from work.

Doctor Visit

I went to see the endocrinologist yesterday. I hadn't been to this particular hospital in almost 10 years, it was really weird being back!

Anyway, I told him about my concerns with weight loss, the plateaus I seem to hit that never go away. How I'm always overheated but not sweaty. The joint pain, the migraines...etc. He had a bunch of questions for me as well. We spent probably 30 minutes going back and forth through a question and answer session.

All of that was so he could say, "Well, there's usually only 3 medically related reasons people can't lost weight."

• Hypothyroidism
  
• Cushings Disease
  
• Early Menopause
  

None of which he thinks I have. What the f&%#? Why did we just spend an hour going over questions, then discussing symptoms and treatments all so you could tell me it's most likely not any of those? Can I have my $40 co-pay back now? Please? He had me go to the lab anyway, to get tested for all 3 just in case. The worst test is the one for the Cushings Disease. I haven't done it yet. I have to pee into a large orange container for 24 hours and then take it back to the lab. It's going to be great. I can tell. (Can you smell the sarcasm?) I should know results next week. I'm kind of torn between wanting something to be wrong with me and not wanting something to be wrong with me. If something is wrong with me that means it's treatable, on the other hand though, if something isn't wrong with me, then why can't I lose weight?

Weekly Weigh-In 12.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 327 lbs
Current weigh-in: 326.8 lbs
Change: -0.2 lbs

Oops!

It only took me 12 weeks to figure this out but over there ----> on the right side of my page I've been tracking my weight loss. Just recently I happened to notice that what I was recording over there didn't match what Weight Watchers has been recording. I thought, "How is that possible?!" Well, simple really. I was only keeping track of my losses, and not adding in the couple of gains I had. I'd lost almost 13 lbs according to my calculations, when in reality I'm only down about 11 lbs since I started this 12 weeks ago.

Speaking of that......

Should I be frustrated that I'm only down 11 lbs? That's averaging about a lb per week, so should that be fine or should I be down closer to 20 lbs? This is why I don't read the community boards on WW anymore. Everyone had lost like 15 lbs in their first month or two and I was only down less than 5 lbs. It's depressing if I approach it that way. Not so much depressing if I only stick to reading the blogs on here that I follow. It seems like the other blogs I follow are more in sync with me. Does that mean I'm not following WW correctly? Am I wasting money? Should I cancel WW and go it alone with the use of free online tools? Grrr.

Running

I've been giving running/jogging more and more thought. I used to love running. After I broke my ankle it was hard for me to do it though. After awhile I gave up completely. When I power walk, or attempt to jog, my ankle swells up to the size of a baseball and hurts for several days. I KNOW! I should get that checked. I kept hoping that eventually the more exercise I did, the less that would happen, but so far I haven't noticed much of a difference.

I'd love to try the C25K program, but I think I'll need to consult a doctor first. The last thing I would ever want is to hurt my ankle again and be unable to do any kind of exercise. I think we can all agree that the amount of exercise I'm doing now is 10x better than no exercise at all!

Weekly Weigh-In 11.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 330.4 lbs
Current weigh-in: 327 lbs
Change: -3.4 lbs

It was a very good week! I wish every week could be this easy and great and wonderful full of sunshine and happiness.

I've not been blogging this week because this week has also been a very very very hard week. Stress. My husband was interviewing for a really fantastic job and found out they passed on him for someone else. After that kick in the gut, we hit some financial problems that have us both in a bit of a depressing state this week.

The thing that helped so much is that this time instead of eating my stress away, I exercised it away. I went walking more this week than I've gone in a long time. It felt good to walk off the stress.

If next week is better than this week, I'll be happy, but I'm hoping I can keep up the weight loss momentum!

Weekly Weigh-In 10.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 331 lbs
Current weigh-in: 330.4 lbs
Change: -0.6 lbs

So a loss is a loss right? I have a picture to post later, it's my graph from Weight Watchers. The part that makes me laugh is there's a huuuuge dip from a few weeks ago when I dropped down to a whopping 329.2 and then it slowly climbs back up. Almost as if to say, "NO NO NO! That is UNACCEPTABLE! You can NOT be less than 330!!!"

The surprising part, and I know I shouldn't necessarily be happy about this, is that I didn't do anything this week. I haven't been feeling well, I've been sick. My husband went out of town for a job interview and the thought of moving is making me stress out and be kind of an idiot. I've counted pounts, but haven't been too mindful of what I'm eating (I'd talk about eating 4 peanut butter cookies and two chocolate chip cookies lastnight but I don't think we need to necessarily dwell on my downfall!). The rain has returned which has left me with not a lot of options exercise wise, so I put in the walking dvd lastnight after I spent over an hour fighting with The Kid to go to bed ( NO! You can NOT stay up until 1:00 a.m. on a SCHOOL night to wait for your dad to come home!) By the time I got that situated and the DVD in, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, so I did maybe a 1/2 mile with the DVD and then collapsed in my chair to watch 30 Rock.

My lunches have been doing pretty well this week. I've had chili (which I found out I'd been counting the points wrong on all this time! I kept thinking "Wow, 8 pts for a can of chili? Not bad! WRONG. That would be one serving and a can is two servings. Oops.) and some salad, but I think I'm officially done with salads. Maybe not done done, but we definetly need a Ross/Rachel break. I need to see other foods. My mom does this thing on Sunday afternoon where she cooks up all these meals and then freezes them in Tupperware containers so she has lunches for the week. It's like making your own frozen lunches. I know what you're thinking: "That's a great idea! Making your own lunches!" No. I was going to pay my mommy to do it for me. WHAT?! She's already doing it for herself!

I kid, of course. On top of making lunches for herself on Sundays she also makes her own dogs food...and I'm afraid that asking her to make my lunches will result in a "mix-up"!!! Ha ha.

Anywho. I've still not passed over my "plateau" yet and I'm a little nervous that I'm going to be stuck in this range for awhile (Fat So Sarah commented she was on a plateau for 3 months. I don't feel like I have the patience to endure something like that. I feel like if it keeps up I'm going to head the direction I've always headed, slowly start getting frustrated and feeling like it doesn't matter what I eat or how often I exercise because it doesn't matter anyway.

It's going to be a constant struggle, but I'm going to do my best to keep it up.

Weekly Weigh-In 9.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 329.2 lbs
Current weight-in: 331 lbs
Change: +1.8 lbs

*sigh* Frustrated is a bit of an understatement.

This happens to me every time I am on a weight loss regiment. I'll lose 5 or 10 pounds, hit a rut and then can't get out of it. They always say there's a plateau after 10 lbs that you hit and after a week or so you pull out of it and lose another 10 lbs. My only problem is that I don't pull out of it. I stay in this rut for weeks and weeks until I get to the point where I'm so frustrated that I give up.

I'm not going to give it up this time but I'm not going to lie and say everything is great and I feel wonderful and positive and next week will be different and blah blah freakin' blah.

All you can really do is just keep going and try to work through it. We'll see how next week goes, yeah?

Doctor's Appt

I didn't blog about this when I found out, I don't think...but I found out in the last few weeks that my insurance doesn't cover even a penny of weight loss surgery. I wasn't sure they would, but I was hopeful atleast. I called the billing department and got an estimate of what my out of pocket expense would be and even if I set up payment plans, it wouldn't feasible until The Hubs is working again. That was a bit of a letdown, but I scheduled an appt with my doctor today to talk to him about a prescription maybe to help with weight loss. He was on board with it and then decided maybe I should meet with an Endocrinologist. I'm hoping that between the two of them they can come up with a plan that will help.

Pictures

Someone on the WW Community boards was talking about posting pictures to document your weight loss. That makes me uncomfortable, as I don't necessarily care to have my picture taken, let alone having it taken specifically for the purpose of judging my body. I tossed it around and decided to take the damn pictures and get it over with! So. Here they are...*sigh*

Weekly Weigh-In 8.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 330.4 lbs
Current weight-in: 329.2 lbs
Change: -2.2 lbs

I took this photo on my walk last night.

I've had such a good week. I've gotten out every night this week and exercised. OH, minus Wednesday night...but every other night this week I've gone out. Plus I've stuck to my points plan and feel pretty much back on track with monitoring and being aware of what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising and I feel like I'm back in a good place.

Weekly Weigh-In 7.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 330.4 lbs
Current weight-in: 331.4 lbs
Change: +1 lbs

I should've titled this post "Holy Crisis Mode Batman" because quite honestly when I got on the scale this morning all of my bravado from the last few weeks totally flushed away and I wanted to go back to bed, curl up with a 3 lbs Hersheys bar with Almonds and just eat away my anger and frustration, disappointment and the general feeling of suckness that I felt.

Blah blah blah. I can increase my exercise, and refine more of my eating choices and I know that will do the trick. It's frustrating because I know (I KNOW!) what I need to do, but getting back into my routine after the trip has been harder and more frustrating than I thought it would be.

I've just had this overwhelming feeling of failure all week. I try and stay positive and have a good outlook on life and things, but MAN it's getting harder and harder. The harder that gets the harder it is to maintain my diet and exercise routine.

Weekly Weigh-In 6.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 329.8 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 330.4 lbs
Weekly Change: +0.6 lbs

I told you. It doesn't make me feel any better having foretold what would happen, but atleast it's not a whole lb. Now that I'm home from the trip, de-stressing, and getting my life back on track hopefully it'll start going down again. I'd write more, but we got home last night and I'm supposed to be at work today so I am kind of dragging this morning!

Weekly Weigh-In 5.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 329.8 lbs
Weekly Change: -1 lb

This is good. I'm betting that I'll either have no change or will have gained by next week. We are leaving for Los Angeles this morning and I know I won't be getting much exercise in, and while I am going to make an effort to eat well while we're driving down and back, I'm sure I won't have a lot of "fresh" options and will be eating less than stellar food.

Ever since finding out about my mother in law I haven't had an appetite. I'll eat a banana or some veggies, but mostly because I force it down. I'm just too worried and stressed about things right now to eat and my body isn't helping because I don't actually get hungry.

Weekly Weigh-In 4.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Weekly Change: No change

Yikes!

At least there wasn't a gain this week. I did start exercising again, but slowly. I did a mile tonight and am hoping to do another 2 or 3 tomorrow if the weather cooperates. (My letter to the sun had no effect...it went away the same day it came out. *sigh*)

Today part of my job was reorganizing a storage unit that my company uses because our office has no storage. Me and a friend spent the afternoon there venting about other coworkers who don't pull their weight, and rearranging, moving and throwing out old boxes of fliers, brochures...etc. It was stuffy and hot in there, and I sweated like a freaking cow but I felt good. It's about as close to lifting weights as I'll get.

Weekly Weigh-In 3.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 332.4 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Weekly Change: -1.6 lbs

I think this week was more luck than anything! I didn't do crap in terms of exercise and while I stayed on track with points, I didn't follow through on my "healthy checks" and I didn't exactly pay attention to what I was eating.

It's been one of those weeks full of depression and unrest. I feel bored, unhappy and restless. When I get like that all it makes me want to do is curl up under my yummy green flannel comforter with The Dog and sleep until it feels better again.

Weekly Weigh-In 2.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 333.4 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 332.4 lbs
Weekly Change: -1 lbs

Exercise
Hopefully it's not raining tomorrow and me, The Dog and The Daughter (and maybe The Husband if he's feeling better) can spend the morning at the lake walking around it, it's a perfect 3 mile loop and it's gorgeous and relaxing. I still haven't tried the walking dvd I got this week, I'm a little self-conscious and don't want to do it in front of my husband, so I need to figure out the logistics on that. It will probably involve my laptop and doing it in my bedroom.

To share...or not to share
One thing I've been wondering about is whether to share this journey with my family and friends. I know it would be easier in terms of support and love I'd get from them, but I also know that right now it feels safer and less embarrassing to just not acknowledge it. It's like an elephant in the room that everybody can see, but nobody wants to talk about. The only reason I told my husband is because he sees our bank statement and would know anyway because I'm paying for Weight Watchers, but other than that, nobody else knows and for right now I'm OK with it. Maybe down the road when my confidence is up a bit and I'm not feeling like a complete and total lard-ass then I'll start opening up about it more, but for right now, I'll be keeping it between me, the message boards on WW and this nice little somewhat anonymous blog here.

Weekly Weigh-In 1.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 338lbs
Current Weigh-In: 333.4lbs.
Weekly change: -4.6lbs

This morning when I got on the scale it said I weighed 100lbs. I got on and off of it several times and each time it gave me a different weight. As much as I'd love being 100lbs, that's not exactly accurate.

So after work tonight I stopped and bought a scale. One that measures up to 350lbs, just so there isn't any room for error (my broken one went up to 340 and I was worried that it wasn't working because I'd gone over 340 *shiver*). Anyway - I got home and went back and forth in my brain about whether to weigh-in today or first thing in the morning when they recommend you weigh-in. I was too nervous to wait, so I undressed and stepped on the scale.

I felt really good after I weighed in. I know that every week won't be like this, I know that it won't always be that big of a drop and it won't always feel this easy, but I'm going to use this to my advantage and keep the motivation going to stick to the plan and keep up with the exercise I've been getting.

Food Check-In
Even though I keep a food diary at Weight Watchers, I want to post here too what I eat. Not necessarily everyday, but once in awhile...sort of as a check-in for me mostly, so that I can read through and remind myself of what I'm eating and maybe catch myself if I feel myself teetering off my plan too severely.

Breakfast: Coffee, with 4 tablespoons Hazelnut coffee creamer
Lunch: Chicken teriyaki with white rice and 3/4 cup of shredded cabbage and carrots
Afternoon snack: Green apple
Dinner: Stagg 97% Fat Free Silverado chili with 1/3 cup of shredded cheese mixed in and tortilla chips, G2 Gatorade

Water: 32 oz throughout the day

Quote of the Day: "Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides. I can only go with the flow...When I struggle and try to organize the Atlantic to my specifications, I sink. If I flail and thrash and growl and grumble, I go under. But if I let go and float, I am borne aloft." ~Marie Stilkind

Weigh-In

Weight: 338 lbs.

Exercise: I didn't walk today. Or yesterday. I hurt my back and now it hurts to move...to breathe. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get out.