Saturday, April 30, 2011

A day to myself!

I suffer from serious wife and mother guilt. It takes a lot to get me to be OK doing things for myself (My husband has to nag me to buy clothes for myself sometimes).

On Friday a co-worker, who's become a good friend of mine, invited me to The Tulip Festival. I almost didn't go because my dad and I took The Kid on a bike ride first thing in the morning, we did almost 10 miles. When I got home my muscles felt fine, legs were a little jelly-fish like, but the part that hurt the most was my is still a bit on the sensitive side tonight, but I had a fantastic day with friends at the festival!!! We walked through the gardens at Roozengaarde, and visited the fields, the gift shop, had some ice cream and took lots and lots and lots of pictures!

I took 103 pictures, posted 58 to Facebook and created a new slideshow for my computer. I got to play with a friends Nikon D40 which totally made me drool. I love photography and would eventually like to work my way up to a "real" camera and take some classes on photography. Right now I use my cute little Samsung point and shoot, which I's red and was a gift from The Hubs. It takes great photos and I can manipulate them with iPhoto, so I'm happy with it but boy I'd LOVE the Nikon!!!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Weekly Weigh-In 9.0

Last weigh-in: 329.2 lbs
Current weight-in: 331 lbs
Change: +1.8 lbs

*sigh* Frustrated is a bit of an understatement.

This happens to me every time I am on a weight loss regiment. I'll lose 5 or 10 pounds, hit a rut and then can't get out of it. They always say there's a plateau after 10 lbs that you hit and after a week or so you pull out of it and lose another 10 lbs. My only problem is that I don't pull out of it. I stay in this rut for weeks and weeks until I get to the point where I'm so frustrated that I give up.

I'm not going to give it up this time but I'm not going to lie and say everything is great and I feel wonderful and positive and next week will be different and blah blah freakin' blah.

All you can really do is just keep going and try to work through it. We'll see how next week goes, yeah?

Doctor's Appt

I didn't blog about this when I found out, I don't think...but I found out in the last few weeks that my insurance doesn't cover even a penny of weight loss surgery. I wasn't sure they would, but I was hopeful atleast. I called the billing department and got an estimate of what my out of pocket expense would be and even if I set up payment plans, it wouldn't feasible until The Hubs is working again. That was a bit of a letdown, but I scheduled an appt with my doctor today to talk to him about a prescription maybe to help with weight loss. He was on board with it and then decided maybe I should meet with an Endocrinologist. I'm hoping that between the two of them they can come up with a plan that will help.


Someone on the WW Community boards was talking about posting pictures to document your weight loss. That makes me uncomfortable, as I don't necessarily care to have my picture taken, let alone having it taken specifically for the purpose of judging my body. I tossed it around and decided to take the damn pictures and get it over with! So. Here they are...*sigh*

Friday, April 22, 2011

Weekly Weigh-In 8.0

Last weigh-in: 330.4 lbs
Current weight-in: 329.2 lbs
Change: -2.2 lbs

I took this photo on my walk last night.

I've had such a good week. I've gotten out every night this week and exercised. OH, minus Wednesday night...but every other night this week I've gone out. Plus I've stuck to my points plan and feel pretty much back on track with monitoring and being aware of what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising and I feel like I'm back in a good place.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

A secret

I have only shared this with one other person in my "real" life...and he was a therapist. I used to be a terrible binge eater. I used to suffer from severe depression.

I used to fantasize about getting in my car and driving away from my life. Never suicidal thankfully, and never actually got in my car and left, but always thought about it. "I'm a miserable person, and if I'm miserable then all these people in my life must hate me so they'd be better off if I left and never came back." It gives me goosebumps and tears well up in my eyes remembering the darkness I had in my life.

I used to think, "I'm fat. I'm not ever going to be skinny again. Why not eat whatever the f*&k I want and see how fat I can actually get?" When I would go to lunch I'd go through - sometimes - up to three drive-thrus. I'd hit McD's for a #1 and eat that. Then I'd pull across the street into KFC and get a four-piece meal. I'd eat that. Then on my way back to work if I was still "hungry" I'd go to Burger King and get a double Whopper for dessert. It makes me full just remembering it, but at the time I still felt empty when I got back to work and would sometimes eat M&M's all afternoon.

The whole time I was having these thoughts and doing these terrible things, I was lying. To my family, my friends, my coworkers, myself. "What did you do for lunch today?" "Oh, I went to Subway and then I took the sandwich down to the beach and sat on a bench and ate it. Then I went for a walk." I'd always tell myself, "Oh it's just one time, you'll be better tomorrow! Enduldge yourself once in awhile!" ENDULGE MYSELF? WTF?!?!?! Killing myself is more like it.

Getting help for my depression was key. I think if I hadn't gotten through that then I'd still be binging and I'd probably be living in an abandoned rail car somewhere in the rugged outback of Canada so my family wouldn't have to put up with my miserable self anymore.

My doctor helped too. He wasn't a therapist, but when I went to him to get a prescription for anti-depressants, not knowing me at all, he said, "I make all my patients suffering like you make me a promise. If they don't make this promise to me, then I don't give them the prescription and instead I send them to inpatient care. You have to promise me that if you ever feel like doing something bad, even if it's leaving, or if you ever do think about suicide, that you'll call me. I'll give you my home phone number. You call me. Do you understand? If you can't make me that promise, then I'm going to refer you to inpatient treatment."

I don't know why an almost-stranger was my breaking point, but I crumpled in his office. Sobbed hysterically. It was that one moment in his office where it finally hit me. "I'm really worth something. Whether it's to my coworkers, or my husband and child at home. Or to this silly doctor I just met. I'm worth more than this."

That happened 4 years ago. A few weeks after that meeting, I joined a health and wellness program that my health insurance partially paid for. That's where I met my therapist, my nutritionist and my personal trainer. After I got laid off and lost my health insurance I couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for it anymore, but what I took away from it has helped me tremendously.

I still suffer from depression but it's on a more "normal" level now. I get depressed over "regular" things...I'm not saying that I'm 100% cured and well adjusted (Hello? Have you met me?!) but I'm definetly in a much better place, and well on my way to increased mental health, which I firmly believe is going to be key in helping me lose weight.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's the little things

When you break down your own personal diet and exercise plan, what do you see? Here's mine:

  • Walking. Walking walking walking. I used to do more, jogging, horseback riding, bicycling, hiking (Which I still love and can do a little here and there), but I broke my ankle 10 years ago and never fully recovered my range of motion and while I haven't had it confirmed yet, I'm fairly certain it's arthritic. Regardless of my limitations on other forms of exercise, walking helps. I gained a pound and a half over two weeks where I only went out for one or two walks. I've been walking every night for a week and I'm pretty confident that I'll see a loss on Friday morning. I have an advantage in the form of a very energetic dog that demands long, meandering walks through my incredibly hilly, challenging neighborhood.
  • Stairs. Don't underestimate the power of these monsters! My office is on the third floor of a building and you enter on the 2nd floor. I counted. It's 16 stairs to my floor. I used to take the elevator (until people started getting stuck in it...yikes.) and now I take the 16 little stairs up every morning and afternoon. I also take the stairs in my apartment building. I don't climb 10 flights of stairs, but I can feel it in my legs after I've climbed even two or three flights. Those bastards kill but in such a good way it's hard to stay mad at them.
  • Pushups. OK. This is where I get kind of weird. I do wall push-ups. In the shower. I KNOW! A few years ago I had this really great, totally amazing personal trainer and he kicked my a$$ with push-ups and back extensions. I still hate back extensions, but I like push-ups. I only do about 10-15 a day and it's while I'm in the shower. HEY, it's convenient and the bathtub and wall are perfectly aligned so it's easy. Plus, you know...I can't get sweaty if I'm standing under a shower.
  • Food intake. I think it's important to eat healthy, but I don't go overboard. If I want pizza, I eat pizza. If I want a Kidd Valley Cheeseburger and some onion rings, I'll have it. This is where Weight Watchers and I have always disagreed. This is why I stopped going to WW meetings and only doing the plan online. They will tell you, "If you're craving a cheeseburger, eat a rice cake." WTF? Have you eaten a rice cake and a cheeseburger? There's a difference. If I'm craving a cheeseburger and I eat a rice cake, chances are I'm still going to be craving that cheeseburger. So why not eat it? The problem arises when you start "craving" a cheeseburger every day for every meal.
  • Water. It took me and water a long time to be friendly. I thought water was the most pointless drink ever. It has no flavor. Sometimes it does and it's not a good flavor. I grew up on a farm, with well-fresh water everyday of my life. Moving to the city all of a sudden and I was like, "WOW, water sucks! It tastes funny. Why can I even taste water?!?!?" So I didn't drink it for a long time. Slowly though, I started adding it back into my life. I only drink out of a water cooler or bottled water and only in life or death situations will I drink water straight from the tap. I have to load it up with ice because Hello? Luke warm water is nasty. I have a 26 oz water bottle and I fill it up to 24 oz. Why not the full 26 oz? Because they want you to drink 8-8oz glasses and it's easier for me to track if I do it in 8 oz's not that I can't do the math or anything but if I'm being completely honest, I have to be exact. There's none of this "I drank 80.79 oz of water today." It has to be a nice fat round number. Yes, you may call the asylum now. Between this and the push-ups in the shower admission, I'm sure I've certified the crazy.
  • Smoothies. I *heart* smoothies. I make some of the craziest combinations of smoothies and people see it and go, "I'm mixed what with what to get that?" I buy frozen fruit, mix it with a half cup OJ and a half cup milk (2%) and throw it in my little smoothie maker that The Husband rocked me with for Christmas (I can't believe I talk like that...) and I eat it. It's an easy way of getting your fruits/veggies for the day if you struggle with that and it's kind of fun to see what different fruits taste like when you combine them (I don't recommend plain yogurt, peaches, blueberries and blackberries being put together...that was something I won't be doing again. Yikes.)
Anyway, that's another peek into my crazy how I'm working it off.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Weekly Weigh-In 7.0

Last weigh-in: 330.4 lbs
Current weight-in: 331.4 lbs
Change: +1 lbs

I should've titled this post "Holy Crisis Mode Batman" because quite honestly when I got on the scale this morning all of my bravado from the last few weeks totally flushed away and I wanted to go back to bed, curl up with a 3 lbs Hersheys bar with Almonds and just eat away my anger and frustration, disappointment and the general feeling of suckness that I felt.

Blah blah blah. I can increase my exercise, and refine more of my eating choices and I know that will do the trick. It's frustrating because I know (I KNOW!) what I need to do, but getting back into my routine after the trip has been harder and more frustrating than I thought it would be.

I've just had this overwhelming feeling of failure all week. I try and stay positive and have a good outlook on life and things, but MAN it's getting harder and harder. The harder that gets the harder it is to maintain my diet and exercise routine.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I have 4 lbs of frozen strawberries and 2 lbs of frozen blueberries in my freezer that I bought for smoothies. I eat a lot of smoothies (I admit...I totally eat my smoothies. Spoon and everything. It makes me feel like I'm eating ice cream and that way I don't crave it) for breakfast but I still have all this fruit and I feel like I could do other things with it.

What are some of your favorite (healthy-ish) fruit recipes? Do you have any good smoothie recipes? I'm open to more fruits than strawberries and blueberries and bananas too. I don't like mixing fruit into things like cottage cheese, or yogurt, OH and I won't put it in salads unless it's strictly a fruit salad. (Times like this, I wonder why I pick on The Husband for being a picky eater because my pickiness really starts showing when I ask for day I'll post all my little weird food things and you'll laugh hysterically and send me a straight jacket!)

Sunday, April 10, 2011


I made this back in January when my husband spent a week in LA visiting his mom. He isn't big on eating things like pork roast, pork chops or ... well ... he's a whole special being and I'm not going to get into all of his food stuff. Bottom line: When he leaves to go out of town, The Daughter and I eat things we can't eat when he's home. Since he's still in LA (The Daughter and I drove home and he's flying home tomorrow) I decided to make it again because we both really liked it.

I found the original recipe in a Cooking Light magazine (January/February 2011) and then did what I always do with recipes...change them to my liking. The recipe below is what I changed it to. I will not not not not not eat capers or anchovies so those had to go.
Pork Medallions with Bell Peppers

  • 1 (1-pound) pork tenderloin, trimmed and cut crosswise into 1-inch-thick medallions
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
  • 3 garlic cloves, thinly sliced (you could also use minced garlic from the store)
  • 1 red bell pepper, sliced
  • 1 yellow bell pepper, sliced
Preparation Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Sprinkle pork with salt and pepper. Add oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add pork to pan; cook for 5 minutes. Reduce heat to medium; turn pork over. Add seasoning (I use garlic/herb seasoning, or lemon/bell pepper seasoning or Lawry's Seasoning; cook 7 minutes or until peppers are tender and pork is done.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Weekly Weigh-In 6.0

Last Weigh-In: 329.8 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 330.4 lbs
Weekly Change: +0.6 lbs

I told you. It doesn't make me feel any better having foretold what would happen, but atleast it's not a whole lb. Now that I'm home from the trip, de-stressing, and getting my life back on track hopefully it'll start going down again. I'd write more, but we got home last night and I'm supposed to be at work today so I am kind of dragging this morning!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sunny Southern California

I've missed you.

We've been living up North for almost 5 years now and while things are definetely better financially, we all really miss the sun and our friends in LA. Our ultimate goal is to eventually buy a house here and move back, but I have some serious family guilt that I have to work through before I can truly be happy living down here.

My family is estranged. It's a long story, but in the end I'm the 1 of 3 kids in my family that are a constant in my parents life for one reason or another. I live in the same city, and get along with them. We spend holidays together, have dinners together, they spend lots of time with my daughter and we house sit for eachother. We are fairly tight knit with them. I love them. Whenever I talk about wanting to move away though, I get the face. You know what face I'm talking about because it's the same face we all gave our parents when they told us no as kids...or the face our kids give us when we tell them they can't eat ice cream for breakfast. They don't want me to go and guilt me for it. My mom is subtle about dad not so much. He lays right into me about why I need to stay and why I shouldn't leave them.

I can't imagine why I'm stress-eater, suffer from depression and fat.

I did end up getting some exercise while we're here though. The Husbands brother called us on Saturday while we were still driving down and said that some of the family were looking for a distraction and decided to take kids to Disneyland and did we want to go with them? Yes. We have annual passes and would not pass up an opportunity to spend the day there. I walked until my little (big) feet melted right out of my shoes. It was fantastic.

The food is about what I expected. I'm eating salads and In N Out Burger (I KNOOOOW! But hello? YUM!?) OH and today I had tacos at a mexican place in Disneyland and passed on the beans and rice and got steamed fajita vegetables instead. I still am not eating 3 full meals a day though, still not much of an appetite. I'm worried about family stuff and helping The Husband and Daughter deal with the passing of someone we all loved very much.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Weekly Weigh-In 5.0

Last Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 329.8 lbs
Weekly Change: -1 lb

This is good. I'm betting that I'll either have no change or will have gained by next week. We are leaving for Los Angeles this morning and I know I won't be getting much exercise in, and while I am going to make an effort to eat well while we're driving down and back, I'm sure I won't have a lot of "fresh" options and will be eating less than stellar food.

Ever since finding out about my mother in law I haven't had an appetite. I'll eat a banana or some veggies, but mostly because I force it down. I'm just too worried and stressed about things right now to eat and my body isn't helping because I don't actually get hungry.