Hey, Fat Girl

I've seen this circulating Facebook and every time one of my friends post it, I read it.  And every time I read it, I cry.  And cry.  And cry.  I'm that girl!  I'm the fat girl you see working my way slowly around the lake, trying to not make eye contact with the people who are "in-shape" because I don't fit in with them.  I do though, I mean, I do.   We're all working for the same thing, health and wellness.  We all have our struggles, we all have those days where nothing we do is motivational enough to get out of bed to exercise.

The difference would seem to be that they have fewer of those days than me!

Hey, Fat Girl - 

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe. 

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home.  You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you. 

You are awesome. 

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others. 

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible. 

You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again. 

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration. 

I bow to you.

See the original post at Flintland

Happy New Year!

If there has ever been a year that I'm thankful to have behind me, it's 2012.  I'm not going to go into details, but the last 2 and a half years have been hard, and last year was by far the hardest.  Shortly after my last post here, I fell off the feel-good wagon and landed in a 6 month long puddle of depression.  I pretty much gave up on everything, and unfortunately my wellness plan was one of the things I let go.

I've gained back all of the weight that I'd worked so hard to lose.  I'm back up to 338 pounds and down to my last shred of self confidence and esteem.  This weekend I uploaded some pictures of me taken at Christmas and seeing how big I've gotten, really shook me.  You don't really ever notice it until you see a picture of yourself after a few months.

One of things that I stopped doing when depression hit was all the walking I had been enjoying.  I was doing 2 or 3 miles a day and I could feel how good it made me feel.  I didn't realize how good it was for treating my depression either until I went for a walk the other day and felt so great when I got home.

I've never been one to set "New Years Resolutions".  New Years is actually my least favorite holiday.  It feels like all you're doing is making a bunch of promises to yourself where, at the end of the year you get to look back on the big bag of empty, unfulfilled promises.

One thing I  do like to do is set goals for myself.  Some of the goals I have for myself this  year are:

1. Focus more on me.
1. Hang out with friends more
2. Be more assertive when people ask my opinion, stop giving them so much power over me
3. Spend more time doing things that I like to do
4. Read more books
2. Exercise more.
1. Take more walks
2. Work the Couch to 5k Training Program
3. Start ticking off some of the trails on my All Trails wish list
3. Save money.
4. Enjoy time with my daughter.
1. She's growing up so fast.  She'll be 12 soon.  Learn to be more patient.  Learn to let her grow up. 

Exercise challenges & a check-in

Tonight I went for my regular walk with my family and since it's snowing and freezing here, the streets were super icy and hard to walk on.  Normally I like to walk fairly briskly and take longer strides, but tonight I had to practically shuffle my feet and went the pace of a snail.

We're supposed to get more snow overnight, up to 6 inches, I secretly have my fingers crossed that my office closes tomorrow, but I'm not sure.  They've been threatening us with snow all week and so far we've only gotten about an inch.  If it does snow though and I'm home tomorrow I'm really looking forward to going hiking in the snow.

On Track
I do feel like I'm getting back on track.  I went over my points today, but that's what they give you the "weekly" points for, right?  The stuff I ate wasn't unhealthy, I just ate more than I normally would because I was hungrier than I normally am.  The only "naughty" things  I had today was a donut hole (Just one! Yay!) and 5 french fries from McDonalds (individual...not orders HAAA!) For dinner I had a Subway Spicy Italian, which used to be my favorite there but after tonight I'm thinking I've lost my taste for it.  It tasted too meaty or something.  I think I'll switch back to the chicken from now on.

Anywho - I'm feeling better and getting my diet in order.

My most important advice to myself...and you

...if "you" are still reading this!

Don't ever ever ever EVER assume that you can do this on your own.  Trust me.  You can't.  You need a support group, you need a plan.  You need motivation and you need focus.  Getting up in the morning and saying, "I can control this without help" is a lie.  And you know it. 

I just had to re-remind myself of this little piece of advice on Friday at my disastrous weigh-in.   I've gained back all but 6 pounds of the 20 I was down.

To say that I'm disgusted is an understatement.  My problem, and I recognize it fully now - is that I started getting cocky and assuming that since I was doing so well on Weight Watchers that I could start managing it on my own without recording my points and my exercise.  Slowly, week by week, I watched the pounds come back.  I stopped blogging, I stopped holding myself accountable.  I kept thinking, "It's only a pound, I'll make it up this week."  A pound a week adds up.  No shit huh?

Weekly Weigh-In

Weight: 331.2

Change: +4.2 lbs

What.

The.

Hell!!!!

FOUR.   POINT.  TWO.   POUNDS??? 

I'm losing my patience.  My faith.  I think it's time to reevaluate.  I either need to step up and do this or shut the Hell up about it. 

Happy New Year!

*sigh*

Right after Christmas my dad was diagnosed with Diabetes, which startled all of us. He's doing well, taking it in stride and doing all the work required. He's changed his diet and he's started exercising.

Him exercising has been a great motivator for me. This last week we've been out for 1/2 mile to 1 mile walks and today we went on a 2.5 mile hike around a local park that has nature trails running through it. The more he walks the better his energy is so each day we're able to walk a little further than the day before and on Friday he went up his first set of hills. I'm hopeful that he sticks with it and in a few weeks he'll be up to my speed of about 2 to 2 1/2 miles a day.

I've also decided to sell my bike *sad face* and use the money I get from it to save up for a more comfortable bike. I love riding bikes, but now that I'm older overweight, it's hard for me to ride a standard mountain bike. It hurts my wrists to lean forward on the handle bars and the pressure from pushing down on the pedals really bothers my ankle that I broke...so I'm thinking a new bike, like this is in store for me.

The holidays were tricky, I'm impressed that I didn't gain 10 lbs, but my weight went up and down every week like a teeter-totter. I didn't overeat and I didn't overload on sugar and sweets, but there wasn't a lot of exercising and I didn't exactly stay on plan. I'm forcing myself to get back on track this last week, and with the exercising and eating better I'm starting to feel better.

Refocusing

I was down almost 20 lbs! I got so excited I gained back 6 of them. Yuck. And yikes!

I was only half-assing my weight loss program, still weighing in, still exercising, but not tracking foods and not exercising to my fullest ability. I'd walk a half mile and call it good ... for a week.

When I started this program I posted all the time on here about how I wanted to hold myself accountable, be responsible and take this seriously. That worked for about 6 months and then in September I went on vacation for two weeks and when I got back completely let myself go.

It wasn't until I got on the scale last Friday and I realized my weight was creeping back up that it occurred to me that I've let it slip away again.

I don't want to go back to weighing over 330 lbs.

I don't want to go back to being winded walking up one flight of stairs at work.

What I do want is to be under 300 lbs so I can use my Wii Fit board that my amazing husband got me for Christmas a year ago (My original goal? To be there by October...which was totally reachable until I started slacking.)

What I do want is to take my daughter for bike rides, and fit in an airplane seat without being self-conscious of the person sitting next to me.

What I do want is to be healthy.