I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine

Am I bi-polar? Geesh.

I'm feeling better today. I always feel better when I eat right...I think there might be something to that :-)

This morning I had a peach, chopped up and in a bowl and I poured a Yoplait Harvest Peach yogurt over the top of it and ate that for breakfast.

For lunch I had a turkey sandwich with lettuce and tomato and onion (I normally *hate* lettuce and tomato on food other than salads...but I'm doing it for my waist!) and a two cup serving of strawberries, grapes and cherries.

I didn't get as much water as I normally do...work was extremely busy and before I knew it, it was 5:00 and I'd only had 36 ounces. Not bad...but not what I normally intake either.

For dinner, The Hubs is going to grill hamburgers and he's going to make mac n cheese for him and The Kid, while I eat more fruit.

I'm a little nervous though...I posted on a WW message board asking for some help and when I posted what I eat on an average day I was told.....get this........are you sitting down??? That I don't eat enough...what. the. hell???

After thinking about it though, I suppose they're right. They also suggested changing what I eat (as in...don't eat salads everyday for three months...*sigh*) because eventually your body gets used to that and stops responding (DAMN YOU BODY! WORK WITH ME! I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU!). So I'm going to start working on that.

What makes me nervous though is getting my family on board with new foods...The Hubs and The Kid aren't big on new things, and if I accidentally slip up and use the word "Healthy" ... they may disown me and move out (Oh...but then I'd be alone! That might be a plus! ... I kid, I kid!).

I am going to start out with things that are healthy but aren't blatantly obvious, screaming 'healthy' from the mountaintops. I'll lull them into a false sense of security and then BAM! Fat free sour cream! They'll never know what hit em'.

I feel like if I can take baby steps, this will work. Get my food under control (again....*sigh*) and go from there. Build my exercise plan and eventually find a bootcamp or a gym because I know that walking is wonderful, but I need weights thrown in too.

Whining

I feel like maybe my last post was a bit whiney and negative. I'm not normally "that" person, I do my best to stay upbeat and positive and for the most part, it works.

When I first moved in with The Hubs, we struggled financially for a long time. Every time something bad would happen, or we'd take a step back in our progress, I'd go into this long downward spiral of negativity. He called me "The Angel of Darkness" .... I know .... and I still married him! :-)

Having him point out my negativity though, helped me grow. It helped me see what I was doing and how it doesn't solve your problems and even most of the time makes it worse. Now not only are you in this crappy situation, but you're depressed about it...how does that solve anything?

I can feel myself being "The Angel of Darkness" with my weight loss and I'm trying to steer away from that. If I allow myself to get depressed over this the only thing that will happen is I'll get depressed! I won't lose weight. I'll most likely gain weight back.

So. I wrote this whole long-winded post out just to say this:

I'm dedicated to this weight loss. I'm going to have ups and downs. And I'm probably going to whine about it. BUT I'm not going to quit and I'm going to do my very very best to not be "The Angel of Darkness".

I really feel like I'm drowning

I'm not a very good role model for weight loss.

I almost quit WW and deleted this blog today. I made it all the way to the cancellation page at WW and then convinced myself not to do it. And instead of deleting this blog, I decided to post. I think that's a positive sign since it would've been so so so easy to give it up and walk away.

I was planning on "doing it myself" ... which I should know better, is how I got into this position in the first place. I've been on this nightmare journey since February and have only lost 8.2 lbs. I'm frustrated. I feel like crying. I was down 11.2 lbs and thought it was going well but no matter what I try or what I do, I can't break through this barrier I've been on since May. I need help. I don't have any support from family or friends (they say, "Ohhh...you look great!" No. No, I don't. I'm 160 lbs overweight for crying out loud. Crap on a cracker can you people not see me???)

Being on this plateau for three months makes me want to chuck it and give up. But when I think about giving up, it makes me want to throw up. I don't really want to give up, but I convince myself that it's not worth it. If I'm not going to be losing weight, why would I want to continue eating healthy and exercising when I could just as easily sit on the couch eating pizza and scarfing down those 1 lb Hershey bars (Cookies and Creme or the Chocolate Almond bar...come on...you know what I'm talking about!) It's frustrating, and heartbreaking, and lonely. Most of all, it's depressing. I hate myself for wanting to give up, and at the same time, I hate getting on the scale after a week of working my butt off only to find out I haven't lost anything.

I need people around me who are going through this. What I need to do is find my focus again. I was so motivated back when I first started, I was so gung-ho about this whole thing and I just need to get back to that! HOW!?! Ugggh!!!

Recipe!

I have a migraine today, so I posted this recipe to Facebook with the note: "This looks delicious and I think that if you loved me, you'd take pity on me because I have a migraine and you should come cook this for me!" Not surprisingly nobody showed up to cook it for me and when I got home The Hubs took us out to dinner at The Blazing Onion (I had the Buffalo Burger...it was delicious.)

Anyhoodle.

Here is the recipe. I do plan on making this! It looks delicious and healthy! I got it from Map My Walk.

Chicken & Asparagus with Melted Gruyere Recipe

Servings: 4 servings

For this elegant dish, boneless chicken breast and asparagus are smothered in a luxurious white-wine sauce with just the right amount of melted Gruyère cheese. Tarragon and lemon add a delicious light flavor that is perfect with asparagus.

Ingredients:
8 ounces Asparagus, trimmed and cut into 1-inch pieces
2/3 cup Reduced-Sodium Chicken Broth
2 teaspoons plus 1/4 cup All-Purpose Flour, divided
4 Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts, (1 1/4 to 1 1/2 pounds), trimmed and tenders removed (see Note)
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/2 teaspoon Freshly Ground Pepper
1 tablespoon Canola Oil
1 Shallot, thinly sliced
1/2 cup White Wine
1/3 cup Reduced-Fat Sour Cream
1 tablespoon Chopped Fresh Tarragon, or 1 teaspoon dried
2 teaspoons Lemon Juice
2/3 cup Shredded Gruyère Cheese

Place a steamer basket in a large saucepan, add 1 inch of water and bring to a boil. Add asparagus; cover and steam for 3 minutes. Uncover, remove from the heat and set aside.
Whisk broth and 2 teaspoons flour in a small bowl until smooth. Set aside.
Place the remaining 1/4 cup flour in a shallow dish. Sprinkle chicken with salt and pepper and dredge both sides in the flour, shaking off any excess.

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the chicken and cook until golden brown, 3 to 4 minutes per side, adjusting heat as needed to prevent scorching. Transfer to a plate and cover to keep warm.

Add shallot, wine and the reserved broth mixture to the pan; cook over medium heat, stirring, until thickened, about 2 minutes. Reduce heat to medium-low; stir in sour cream, tarragon, lemon juice and the reserved asparagus until combined. Return the chicken to the pan and turn to coat with the sauce. Sprinkle cheese on top of each piece of chicken, cover and continue cooking until the cheese is melted, about 2 minutes.

Calories: 304
Carbohydrates: 7 g
Fat: 14 g
Saturated Fat: 6 g
Unsaturated Fat: 6 g
Cholesterol: 90 mg
Dietary Fiber: 1 g
Potassium: 380 mg
Sodium: 367 mg
Weight Watchers Points: 4 per serving

Weekly Weigh-In 18.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 331.4 lbs
Current weigh-in: 329.8 lbs
Change: -1.6 lbs

Wow. 17 weeks! It's been a long, tiresome road and there have been so many days and so many weigh-ins where I've thought, "what's the point?" But there is a point! And this time, I can see that. It's not about losing weight necessarily, it's about making my life healthier and happier. SO...I'm still here and I'm still chug-chug-chuggin' along!

Weekly Weigh-In 17.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 330.0 lbs
Current weigh-in: 331.4 lbs
Change: +1.4 lbs

My foot is starting to feel much better so I'm slowly getting back into my lunchtime walks. The weather is finally starting to warm up as well (Hello? It's AUGUST!) so it's much more enjoyable to be outside.

I've been super busy at work, and I really don't have much else to update! All I want to do lately is fall asleep when I get home because work is stressful and tiring!

Weekly Weigh-In 16.0

Weigh-In
Last weigh-in: 332.4 lbs
Current weigh-in: 330 lbs
Change: -2.4 lbs

*sigh* I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sick of the number 329, 330, 331 and 332. That's where I've been hanging out on the scale since my June 3rd WI. *double sigh* I know I "took some time off" from caring, but now that I care again I'm really frustrated.

The good news is that my foot is feeling better and I'm hoping to be able to get walking again. We bought a new DVD player for our bedroom too, so now I can do my exercise DVD with the door closed and without worry my family will see me (self-conscious much?).