Family

My husbands mother passed away yesterday after battling illness for several years. We are on our way down to Southern California in the morning to be with family and attend the funeral. It's very quiet in our house and there's a black cloud hanging over us. I'm asking for strength and patience to get through the next few days. My husband has 6 older brothers and our relationship with them has been strained. I am hoping that we can put those feelings aside in memory of their mother and at least be civil to each other. I still feel sick to my stomach though, imagining being surrounded by them for the next week.

I'm thankful that I'm not necessarily an emotional eater, in fact I'm kind of the opposite. I've hardly had an appetite for anything since yesterday. I've been forcing myself to eat and stay on plan, but I'm really not interested in food.

*sigh*

Salad bar

One of the teams in my office (Most places call them "Departments" but not us!) put together a Salad Bar potluck today. My contribution was bacon bits (which I don't eat...but the list already had about 50 things on there and I didn't want to copy anyone) and chopped cucumbers (How come nobody else thought of this except me? I love cucumbers...)

We seriously had over 50 toppings and if I had been a total jerk I would've taken two plates of salad just to try all of them.

It gave me some ideas though. I eat a salad everyday for lunch and after a few weeks I started getting bored. Which is bad. I started imagining going to Taco Time or Wendy's. Now that the salad bar is over I have all kinds of new ideas for my salads, which has reinvigorated my love for salad.

On my shopping list for next weeks salads are:

• Garbonzo Beans
  
• Peas
  
• Honey Mustard Dressing (My favorite is the Roasted Red Pepper dressing from Kraft, but I'm a little burned out on it!)
  
• Sunflower seeds
  

Until today my salad "recipe" has been:

• Romaine lettuce
  
• Chopped cucumber
  
• Carrots
  
• Grape Tomatoes
  
• Two things of string cheese, cut up and added (I suppose I could just use shredded mozzarella, but the string cheese also makes a good afternoon snack)
  
• About 4 oz of grilled chicken (I buy the frozen, pre-cooked Tyson Grilled Chicken Breasts and microwave them for 2 minutes...yum)
  
• Every week or two I'll buy Hass Avocados and use 1/2 of one in a salad, to me they have a very distinct, powerful taste though, so I only use them once in awhile so that I don't get tired of them and so that I can taste the other stuff in my salad
  
• Kraft Roasted Red Pepper salad dressing, I bought it a few months ago for a pot roast recipe I wanted to try and ended up using the leftovers on my salad and GOODBYE RANCH DRESSING Hello NEW LOVER!!!
  

I've been eating various versions of the above salad since I started this plan in February, I tried adding a Smart One frozen meal with it, but I really don't like most of the flavors they have. Once in awhile I'll heat up a frozen tamale (one of our clients makes them, brings them in and sells them by the dozen so I have some on hand in case I forget lunch or something). Last week I was feeling adventurous and threw in a turkey sandwich (I know. SEXY!)

The way I figure it, I eat a super healthy breakfast and lunch, and that way I don't feel bad for what I eat for dinner (My husband isn't on a diet or sticking to a plan and I am having a hard time with that...which is a post for a different day...)

Weekly Weigh-In 4.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Weekly Change: No change

Yikes!

At least there wasn't a gain this week. I did start exercising again, but slowly. I did a mile tonight and am hoping to do another 2 or 3 tomorrow if the weather cooperates. (My letter to the sun had no effect...it went away the same day it came out. *sigh*)

Today part of my job was reorganizing a storage unit that my company uses because our office has no storage. Me and a friend spent the afternoon there venting about other coworkers who don't pull their weight, and rearranging, moving and throwing out old boxes of fliers, brochures...etc. It was stuffy and hot in there, and I sweated like a freaking cow but I felt good. It's about as close to lifting weights as I'll get.

THE SUN IS BACK!

Dear Sun:

You and I have a rocky history, what with the blistering sunburns as a kid...the years I lived in LA resenting you, not realizing how much I was taking advantage of you.

I'd like to call a truce though. Maybe you come around more often and maybe I stop complaining so much about your oppressive heat waves and unnecessary reddening of my sensitive, delicate Irish skin.

These last six months without you have been harder on me then any years prior. I thought moving up here would be great! Growing up in the Pacific Northwest, I missed it. I missed snow, and rain. But now after 5 years of being back makes me pine for the days where I didn't have to plan my day around whether or not my socks would need to be changed twice because of the rain.

I used to enjoy the dark, gray dreariness of the PNW winters...reveled in the snow we'd receive, laugh at the Emerald City drivers who couldn't (or wouldn't) put up with it.

But now! Dear Gawd in Heaven bring back the bright warm hug of your rays!!!

When I woke up this morning and you were bursting through the bedroom blinds, I almost CRIED I was so excited. If my big fat ass could've managed it, I would've SKIPPED from my car to the office this morning!

Lunch was glorious! I got out and walked over the freeway and to the little park at the bottom of the hill that overlooks downtown and the bay. It was freaking amazing!

Tonight when I got home, me and The Dog went for a 1.79 mile walk in JUST. A. SWEATSHIRT!!!

So...from me to you, Sun. Truce, mkay?
Love you!
Fat Chick
-----------------------------------

So anyway!

My walk tonight was intense. I live at the bottom of a big hill, so when I left I walked straight up to the top, across one block, down that hill, across to the next street, up, over, down...and so on for 5 blocks. Then around a big loop and down to the bottom of another hill, and over again, up the last hill and home again.

To say that I was out of breath is a bit of an understatement. Since these last two weeks I've only been averaging about a mile a week (Down to the corner and back usually), tonights walk pretty much wasted me!

I really do hope that todays amazing weather (SIXTY! DEGREES! SUNNY!) keeps it up and continues improving! It's amazing what it does for my emotional health as well as my physical.

A 3 1/2 mile weekend

This morning when I woke up the birds were chirping. I always consider that a good sign, like maybe they're chirping because they aren't drowning in rain!

We took The Dog to the dog park and walked him out to the end of the trail where the dogs can go swimming. Only...not our dog because he doesn't like the water that much and even if it is sunny, it was still cold.

The walk down and back is a teeny bit over a half mile, so if you throw in our walk yesterday, I did just over 3 1/2 miles this weekend.

My broken ankle is throbbing, and my joints hurt...but as much as I so would love to complain about it, I'm not going to.

Surgery
I had an email from my doctor. All of my lab results came back and even though I can't read them (Um? Hello? Not a doctor.) I'm assuming they are good to go since they were emailed to me instead of in a "Yes, we need to talk" kind of phone call.

I wrote them back, asking what the next step is in proceeding with lap-band surgery and they want me to schedule a follow-up appt with my doctor. I guess that means the ball is in my court now. Why am I procrastinating then? I should be on top of this! Truth is...the more real this surgery becomes, the more worried I become. I'm not worried about dying really...but it's more of a cosmetic fear.

I've seen pictures of people after they've had surgery and they have all this loose skin hanging off of them and that is what terrifies me. How do you get rid of that? Plastic surgery?

Yes, I'll make the appt and I'll go through with the surgery. In the end it is more important to be healthy...right?

OH what a CHANGE!

Today the sun was out, which always improves my mood. Me and my husband and daughter took The Dog to the local lake to enjoy the sun, a picnic, and a nice (long) walk around the lake. It turned out to be a 2.98 mile walk (probably a little over 3 by the time we were back to the car, but I only counted the loop around the lake).

It felt so so so so good to be out in the SUN! The WARMTH! The glorious wonderful weather! Which should all go away by Monday when the doom and gloom of spring rain returns. I'll be out again tomorrow to enjoy it more though. Hopefully that will get the momentum going enough to get me started on my walking DVD while it rains next week.

CAN'T. WAIT. FOR. SPRING!

Weekly Weigh-In 3.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 332.4 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 330.8 lbs
Weekly Change: -1.6 lbs

I think this week was more luck than anything! I didn't do crap in terms of exercise and while I stayed on track with points, I didn't follow through on my "healthy checks" and I didn't exactly pay attention to what I was eating.

It's been one of those weeks full of depression and unrest. I feel bored, unhappy and restless. When I get like that all it makes me want to do is curl up under my yummy green flannel comforter with The Dog and sleep until it feels better again.

Depression

This week is one of those weeks where it has me thinking that living anywhere else would be better. I'm normally the kind of person who loves the rain and gray. Not anymore. This is the first year I've lived here where I am over it. Done. Ready for the sun. I want to go outside and play. Go hiking. Be active. Have fun. LIVE.

Please God let the rain go away.

Weekly Weigh-In 2.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 333.4 lbs
Current Weigh-In: 332.4 lbs
Weekly Change: -1 lbs

Exercise
Hopefully it's not raining tomorrow and me, The Dog and The Daughter (and maybe The Husband if he's feeling better) can spend the morning at the lake walking around it, it's a perfect 3 mile loop and it's gorgeous and relaxing. I still haven't tried the walking dvd I got this week, I'm a little self-conscious and don't want to do it in front of my husband, so I need to figure out the logistics on that. It will probably involve my laptop and doing it in my bedroom.

To share...or not to share
One thing I've been wondering about is whether to share this journey with my family and friends. I know it would be easier in terms of support and love I'd get from them, but I also know that right now it feels safer and less embarrassing to just not acknowledge it. It's like an elephant in the room that everybody can see, but nobody wants to talk about. The only reason I told my husband is because he sees our bank statement and would know anyway because I'm paying for Weight Watchers, but other than that, nobody else knows and for right now I'm OK with it. Maybe down the road when my confidence is up a bit and I'm not feeling like a complete and total lard-ass then I'll start opening up about it more, but for right now, I'll be keeping it between me, the message boards on WW and this nice little somewhat anonymous blog here.

Meh...

I've had better weeks I 'spose. It's been raining like Noah's Ark lately so I've not gone out much for walks, but I'm sticking to my points plan and working on my daily "Healthy Checks" ... Those are the hardest for me though, I hate keeping track of "how much" I'm eating, but I do it for the points plan, but I feel like I'm doing double duty counting up my healthy checks. I'm doing it, but I don't necessarily like it!

Tomorrow is my 2nd weigh in and I'm a little concerned because of the lack of exercise this week, but I don't think it will be too bad and hopefully I'm wrong and it's still a loss because I'm eating better.

I bought a walking DVD, and it came yesterday, I'm hoping to try it out and if I like it I'll use that when it rains so that I don't have an excuse to not walk.

Weekly Weigh-In 1.0

Weigh-In
Last Weigh-In: 338lbs
Current Weigh-In: 333.4lbs.
Weekly change: -4.6lbs

This morning when I got on the scale it said I weighed 100lbs. I got on and off of it several times and each time it gave me a different weight. As much as I'd love being 100lbs, that's not exactly accurate.

So after work tonight I stopped and bought a scale. One that measures up to 350lbs, just so there isn't any room for error (my broken one went up to 340 and I was worried that it wasn't working because I'd gone over 340 *shiver*). Anyway - I got home and went back and forth in my brain about whether to weigh-in today or first thing in the morning when they recommend you weigh-in. I was too nervous to wait, so I undressed and stepped on the scale.

I felt really good after I weighed in. I know that every week won't be like this, I know that it won't always be that big of a drop and it won't always feel this easy, but I'm going to use this to my advantage and keep the motivation going to stick to the plan and keep up with the exercise I've been getting.

Food Check-In
Even though I keep a food diary at Weight Watchers, I want to post here too what I eat. Not necessarily everyday, but once in awhile...sort of as a check-in for me mostly, so that I can read through and remind myself of what I'm eating and maybe catch myself if I feel myself teetering off my plan too severely.

Breakfast: Coffee, with 4 tablespoons Hazelnut coffee creamer
Lunch: Chicken teriyaki with white rice and 3/4 cup of shredded cabbage and carrots
Afternoon snack: Green apple
Dinner: Stagg 97% Fat Free Silverado chili with 1/3 cup of shredded cheese mixed in and tortilla chips, G2 Gatorade

Water: 32 oz throughout the day

Quote of the Day: "Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides. I can only go with the flow...When I struggle and try to organize the Atlantic to my specifications, I sink. If I flail and thrash and growl and grumble, I go under. But if I let go and float, I am borne aloft." ~Marie Stilkind

I didn't walk tonight

It's so freaking mother-effing cold here that even sitting inside is almost too cold to bear. The Dog hates me for it and I hate that I didn't suck it up and do it but I'll be at it tomorrow.

Triggers

Anyway, I didn't really log in just to 'fess up about not walking tonight. On my horrific drive home tonight (An hour to go 10 miles...HELP!) I found myself craving food. Not a particular food, but f.o.o.d. I wanted to freaking stuff my face. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't even bored...or necessarily all that stressed, I was just sitting in traffic seething through my teeth about how ridiculous it all is, and something washed over me that said, "STUFF FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH! SCREW WEIGHT WATCHERS! LIE! Don't count it on your tracker! JUST DO IT! You know you want to!" ........ and I did ........... which is why I don't keep food in my car.

I didn't eat anything, since I don't have food in the car, but I'm pretty sure that had there been food in the car there wouldn't be any crumbs left by the time I got home.

What are your triggers? Mine is obviously road rage and traffic. I know I also suffer from stress-eating, boredom eating, anger eating...etc. All the normal triggers, but also this weird little random one.

The Loop

Me and The Dog went for our usual walk through the 'hood tonight. I do a route through the neighborhood that I call "The Loop"...It's got this loop right in the middle and it's got this really steep uphill climb. When I first started this route it would take me 50-60 minutes to do it. It's 1.4-ish miles long. It took me an hour. I'd have to stop about halfway up the hill to catch my breath (Luckily The Dog likes to sniff...a lot...so it looked like I was letting him explore but really I was trying not to pass the Hell out).

Pretty soon The Loop took me 45 minutes, with only one stop halfway up the hill.

Now? A month into it? It takes me 33 minutes and I don't stop even once. Lastnight my daughter went with me and we were so busy talking and laughing I didn't even notice that we were going uphill until we got to the top.

I think when I go out tomorrow I'm going to add another section to the route, kick it up a notch or two. I think I'm ready. I really do feel good.